Part 2 By Christina Carney
I’ve been an intermittent journaler since I was a preteen, but when we started quarantining in March of 2020 it seemed like a good time to pick it back up. I’ve filled several journals since then, writing three pages nearly every morning. This series looks back at pieces of those journals as a way to begin processing and integrating all that’s happened over the last year. I share it because maybe you’ll find something here that resonates for you. It’s always good to know you’re not alone. It’s also an invitation; to consider how you might process and integrate your own experiences, whatever that looks like for you.
March 26, 2020
What will this all look like in another two weeks? A month? I plan on just doing what I’m doing. Yoga, painting, journaling, odd jobs and cleaning around the house, Netflix, reading, eating yummy food. Creating for play, creating for sanity, creating for love.
March 28, 2020
Such a longing for consistency. Internal consistency and yet thinking about the unexpected. The startling beauty of the unfamiliar. I get excited by novelty.
March 30, 2020
I haven’t really hit it yet. I’m not even sure what “it’ is. Panic? Breakdown? Fear? Am I not allowing myself to feel? Will it mess me up later? What happens after the respite? When I still have to stay home? I’ve started out pretty strong but I wonder how I will feel at the end of this week? By the end of April?
March 25, 2121
Remarkable to think I was concerned how I would feel after a month, not knowing it would be so much longer. Having no idea how my energy and emotions would ebb and flow, dip and rise.
I did start out strong though, and I truly believe that it was the foundation I built to withstand this storm that has allowed me to find pockets of joy, inspiration and peace, even as I sometimes struggled and despaired. The fear would definitely come, although I don’t think it has consumed me. Healthy fear has meant common sense and caution.
It is also the first glimpse of something I have genuinely struggled with: the loss of new experiences. Adventures, travel, and exploring the unknown are a part of how I take care of myself and feel fulfilled. I never realized just how much until I couldn’t. It has brought into focus this contrast I need of the known and unknown. Consistency and structure support my wellness, but so does spontaneity and openness. I miss going places I’ve never been, eating food I’ve never eaten, seeing landscapes and architecture I’ve never seen, and meeting new people.
Of course, there is another type of unknown and that’s what lies inside us. Unable to go outward, perhaps the only way to go is within.
