May 1, 2020
I feel more settled when I can stay present. My anxiety decreases, my worry dissolves. There’s a bit of a dance when looking back, or looking forward. Not bending to every thought or idea but noticing the ones that hold energy. To look back as an archaeologist or historian. To look forward as a poet and a dreamer.
Checking privilege. I have a lot at this moment in particular. Physical health, income security, a loving partnership. A nice home, beautiful yard. Plenty of food and the tools to take care of myself.
Struggling this morning with shame. This particular sharme around my early trauma has been so difficult to release . I’ve worked on it, but there’s still this root, like an invasive weed that you pull on but can’t quite get down to that root. Prickly. Thorny. And stealing nutrients from the plants and flowers around it. How do I get this root out? Is it possible? I’d like to think that it is.
May 28, 2020
I’m a “worrier.” I think my worrying is hypervigilance. Some of that is from childhood trauma but I think a lot of it is just layered from my whole life. To be on guard against the next crisis. When will the rug get pulled out from under me? What’s the next trial? The next thing to hurt me? When will it all be taken away? Will I have to start over? Again? When will it all fall apart?
These things are at the center of the hypervigilance.
I think self-compassion is at the heart of the answer. I think it may actually be the answer to many of the things I struggle with.
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May 31, 2021
I find it curious that a year later and shame has risen to the surface again. It seems to be a pattern. Dark thoughts draw my attention back to the shame but I’m so overwhelmed by it that I tend to turn away. Just distract myself until I feel better again. Clearly, that thorny weed still needs to be pulled out of my psyche. The big question is: how?
I believe in an intuitive approach to healing. I pay attention to my dreams, I make art, I write and I look for guidance around me. This little treasure from Chani Nicholas came up as part of my horoscope this week:
“With Jupiter in Pisces, washing the wounds of your earlier life, dressing them, and seeking a soothing salve, is far easier, or at least more available than usual. Avenues of healing are opening up to you – a wealth all its own.”
Mostly, I try to stay open to anything that presents itself as an opportunity to heal. This morning I did a Kundalini meditation. Did it accomplish anything? I’m not sure that’s the point. I think the most important thing is to try, to take steps on my own behalf and to continue this path of self-awareness and reflection. I know that healing happens in cycles. I also know that I can’t continue to carry this shame anymore. However many layers and cycles I’ve been through, each one carries a needed release, and marks a significant milestone.
It has been said that guilt is feeling bad about something you’ve done and shame is feeling bad about who you are. It stands to reason then that self-love and acceptance would be at the heart of this healing work.
